I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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