everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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