Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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