just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
