I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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