now i know why i became what i already was.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
