Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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