his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
