i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize