One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
