I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
