I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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