I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
