Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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