I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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