I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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