There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
