Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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