Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Text me some of your sweat
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
