I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
