It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
