I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
