Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
