for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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