getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
