The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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