her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
