our cab driver is having phone sex.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
