i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
