You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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