i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
