i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
