Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
