1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
