I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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