the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize