Screwed.edu
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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