well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
