eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
