I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
