what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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