Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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