Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
