She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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