Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
