can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize