u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
