I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
