mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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