If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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