My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
