I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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