Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
