I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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