She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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