Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
