why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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