i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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