i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
