I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
