$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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